I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
