I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
