dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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