Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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