There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
