I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You have to summon your inner elephant
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
