batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
