he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
