I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
