Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
