I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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