Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
