i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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