i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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