In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
