How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
