WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
