please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
