I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
