What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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