This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
