Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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