i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
