I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Drunk is a universal language darling
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