so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
