I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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