so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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