She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
