someone threw a dead crab at me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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