No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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