I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
