Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
