i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
