Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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