My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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