Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
