i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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