meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
