We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
