He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
