if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
