there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
