Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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