Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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