ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
