May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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