Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
