I just saw a hot homeless man
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
