I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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