I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
MIDGETS
????
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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