I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
