I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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