we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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